I want to see you dance again

Harvest Moon, Neil Young

Sometimes in life, you have to go backwards in order to move forwards. It’s called ‘closing the loop’. Allow me to explain – it’s like an incomplete romantic relationship and needs to come full circle. Perhaps you have unfinished business with someone whom you once shared affection with. Basically – it’s all the unexplained, unsettled, unfulfilled parts of you that are tied to someone. An intense intimate encounter with no ending. Do you feel me?

There is a high price to pay for keeping the loop open. Like keeping a part of yourself closed to real commitment. The incompleteness with this person is exciting, sure. We fantasise about what could have been and what will be. Because the loop is not closed, we yearn for the road not taken, the one where anything could happen.

Let it go. Whatever it is  that you should’ve let go long ago. Let it go. The freedom that comes next is something wild and true. – Unknown

I took my own advice with closing a seven-year loop. I don’t have any personal wisdom to offer about sitting on a Toronto porch crying in the rain. I don’t know how to get heartbreak out of your bones, when it is still moving through mine. But I do know that in breaking your own heart, you learn extraordinarily quickly how to carry it gracefully. About a lightness that comes when you free yourself from a fantasy of long ago. When you realise how different and unromantic life can be to the script in your head, you fall in love with your own humanness.

Sometimes when you are in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted. – Christine Caine

A friend in New York City lent me a brilliant book called The Untethered Soul which is great for anyone who likes to delve into emotional confusion with tea and a good read. It says: “You will get to a point into your growth where you understand that if you protect yourself, you will never be free. It’s that simple. Ultimately, if you protect yourself perfectly, you will never grow.”

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire. – Charles Bukowski

I am yet to make sense of what happened that weekend in September. Call it unexplainable synchronicity or divine coincidence. Moments when time truly stopped, as the world spun madly on. All I know is that: seven years can feel like seven seconds, ‘Do Not Enter’ signs lead to the best discoveries, water blanched and deep fried chips are a game changer, you can visit Cuba, Israel and the moon in one night, and a Joni Mitchell cover song saved my life.

We couldn’t have predicted the inferno, but I am glad we walked through it.

Listen to New Words For Old Desires: A Playlist For Closing The Loop on Spotify

1. Square One – Tom Petty
2. Star Mile – Joshua Radin
3. Sides – Justin Vernon
4. Trouble – Coldplay
5. Freckled Girl – Iron & Wine
6. Wonder – Jack Savoretti
7. Comin’ Home – City And Colour
8. Down The Line –  Jose Gonzalez
9. Lost At Home – Joshua Radin
10. Along The Way – Alex Dezen
11. Left and Leaving – The Weakerthans
12. When I Come Home – William Fitzsimmons
13. I Almost Do – Taylor Swift
14. You’ve Haunted Me All Your Life – Death Cab For Cutie
15. No Other Way – Paolo Nutini
16. In Your Atmosphere – John Mayer
17. Be Here Now – Ray LaMontagne
18. Somebody Love – The Weepies
19. Summon Satan – Advance Base
20. Brothers On A Hotel Bed – Death Cab For Cutie
21. SweATARI -Escelate!
22. Chan Chan – Beuna Vista Social Club
23. Harvest Moon – Neil Young
24. A Case Of You – James Blake
25. Carry Me Ohio – Sun Kil Moon
26. Joe – Alabama Shakes
27. A Fond Farewell – Elliot Smith
28. You’ve Got A Friend – Carole King
29. Fire And The Flood – Vance Joy
30. The World Moves On – Jens Lekman
31. 405 – This Wild Life
32. Both Sides Are Even – The Boxer Rebellion
33. Be My Witness – The Bahamas
34. Louisville – The Damnwells
35. I Wish You Would – Ryan Adams
36. Cannonball – Damien Rice
37. Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye – Leonard Cohen
38. I Think Of You – Rodriguez
39. Wish You Well – Bernard Fanning
40. Magic – Coldplay