15 September 2015 | BY ANDJELKA JANKOVIC | Life
I can't help but wonder do you ever think of me
A playlist for longing for someone who lives far away. A long distance crush. For what might have been. Songs about an emotionally unavailable love interest. Maybe it’s them, maybe it’s you. For the times when your heart is in it more than theirs. For getting close, but not close enough.
I once heard that ‘true love is matching energies’ and I wrote it down. A holiday fling, instant soul sparks, electric connections – we’ve all had one. Long distance crushes do have their success stories but in reality – they are part ecstatic romance, part the perils of technology and part insanity management. At first you (think) you are falling in love, but then later realise that you are falling into patterns of sustaining whatever this is.
Then there is the burden of the gesture to consider – no one wants to have the last say. It’s vulnerable. It hurts to sit on an unreturned message. Dead air. The faux pas of last word. You don’t want to seem desperate. But you desperately want to hear from them. We are deeply afraid of feeling desperate. I wonder if animals feel the depths of longing like humans do? We all want to feel autonomous, yet we want to be chased. We want to have our soul sparked, not stalked.
Expectation is the root of all heartache. – William Shakespeare
Timezones, mismatched body clocks, hemispheres and bipolar seasons – long distance crushes can be a long con. Logistically your lives don’t collide in the slightest. But yet your spirits do. Often we have to shift our paradigms of romance and courting in order to actively pursue this gambling kind of love. You don’t choose who you wake up thinking about. Your heart does. As Fiona Apple sings in Paper Bag: ‘Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills.’
Then, on a given day – something needs to happen to bring this long distance love into proximity. If it does and it feels like magic – I am truly happy for you! The long con paid off. If it doesn’t – don’t despair. In the pieces of whatever it was or wasn’t (meant to be) ask yourself – what do you want? Where they even it?
Take the easy way out – let it go. Maybe you should have let it go long ago, maybe now is the time. Then, dear friend, wait for the magic. A shift happens and the incredible feeling that comes next will make you feel strong, free and found.
May something comfort you – a mockingbird, a breeze, rain on the roof, Chopin’s Nocturnes, a kiss, or even me – in my chilly kitchen with my coat on – thinking of you. – Ellen Base
Take comfort in the growth, in knowing that loving someone in a way that is not returned is fortifying your roots. You may find in the loss of what might have been, an inner strength you forgot you have (re)surface. You find out more about what you want. And what you don’t. You see the real gift of indifference – a lack of interest in you does not mean you are not interesting or worthy of being a love interest. It just means that right now, in this moment – take the time and energy you were spending on them, and spend it on yourself.
At the end of it all you emerge with a new energy. A new knowing: easy love vs. hard love. A realisation: “I like you. But I like me more.” A grounding feeling: “Maybe I need you. Maybe I don’t.” Perhaps these are the first steps in stopping looking for your other half and start cultivating becoming your own whole. I know that feeling whole and like you are enough doesn’t come easy, and some days loneliness hits you and it hurts. Like a pie in the face (but less delicious). In fact it just feels plain awful. Crying, cups of tea and hopping on your bike helps. And also knowing that codependency out of fear of being alone is worse than trying for something that spoke to your soul.
In your heart of hearts – you know the right answer. When love is sincere and real, it is undeniable.
So wait for them. Your whole is waiting for you too.
1. Keel – Volcano Choir
2. Working Titles – Damien Jurado
3. Not A Bad Thing – Justin Timberlake
4. Let It Be Me – Ray LaMontagne
5. O I Long To Feel Your Arms Around Me – Father John Misty
6. Hardliners – Holcombe Waller
7. One Day You’ll – Thomas Dybdahl
8. Slow Moves – Jose Gonzalez
9. The Fear You Won’t Fall – Joshua Radin
10. Manhattan Skyline – Kings of Convenience
11. One Day – Paolo Nutini
12. Was There Nothing – Asgeir
13. Such Great Heights – Ben Gibbered
14. Each Coming Night – Iron & Wine
15. We Found Each Other In The Dark – City and Colour
16. Don’t Wait – Mapei
17. Real Someday – Robby Hecht
18. Eyes Wider Than Before – Scott Matthews
19. Blueberry Pancakes – Fink
20. World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
21. Why Can’t I? – Liz Phair
22. All At Once – The Fray
23. It Takes A Lot To Know A Man – Damien Rice
24. Yes I Would – Frightened Rabbit
25. Reverie on Norfolk St – Luluc
26. Given The Chance – The Kite String Tangle
27. Dandelion – The Damnwells
28. Reason Why – Rachael Yamagata
29. The Wolves (Act I and II)
30. Little Wanderer – Death Cab For Cutie
31. Holding Out – Sharon Van Etten
32. Where We Gonna Go From Here – Matt Kearney
33. Waiting In Vain – Bob Marley
34. You Ain’t Alone – Alabama Shakes
35. Trisha Please Come Home – Advance Base
36. Movin’ On – Joe Purdy
37. Paper Bag – Fiona Apple
38. What Are You Waiting For? – Kathleen Edwards
39. None Of These Things – Alex Dezen
40. Let Go – Ryan Adams